Lost to love and lust

I was listening to a pop song, yes a pop song for all those who look down on the top 40! Music has always soothed me and you know what Selena Gomez, back to you played and I listened... I had just got back from a trip from Prague where I met up with a boy I was dating. Long story short he was interesting, intriguing, artistic and intense. The intensity scared me yet also pulled me in! He could read me and understand me in ways I hadn’t been before, but we fell apart. The energy he used to give faltered and we were both fighting battles that we couldn’t fight together so it went cold. Cold in the sense we never communicated but I still had a soft spot kept warm for him. 

Gong to see him was a beautiful ceremony, we fought to align our energy and finally when we did it was soft and soothing, a goodbye to who we were and a hello to who we’ve become. 

On coming back home I felt lonely as fuck, cleansed but missing something the guy I was dating wasn’t hitting me up with energy he was before, emotionally cold or just simply couldn’t handle the goodbye I had to say in Prague. So this week I’ve been a shell, feeling lonely and lost, trying to understand who I am and what I’m becoming, learning from love and lust. 

My friend is fighting his own battles similar but different to mine and here’s what I had to say, when he thought he wasted five years being lost to someone he loved deeply: 

No waste as you did you, even if you were shy or scared it’s something... you didn’t stay still imprisoned in London, you lived even if ghosts cling to you and rode with with you... love as life is weird, this yearning to give, to feel, to want, to hold, to share... it fuels my frustrations at the state our community is in... hook ups, drug abuse, alcoholism -! Are we lonely? Or confused, we’re still misfits, there’s still shame. 

Either way we shouldn’t disrespect our ex- lovers beacuse they loved who we were for all their faults and for all our flaws.. they too were fighting to be, and we both know becoming isn’t easy its a fight to live and learn and understand. They give us lessons... if you were socially awkward with him or in that time you pushed through and became something other than what he knew.., isn’t that the most amazing fuk you? When L said I’ll never get a job? What happened... these boys bite back with all they can try but break ups usually mean you’ve both outgrown each other and if you haven’t then the other has to learn to grow and that’s what you did. 

This is probably my most honest post ever but you know what I have to put myself out there xx