Fuck boys come in all forms

This has to be the most fucked up romantic situation I’ve ever been in. But nonetheless I’m in it, living in it, feeling it and hurting from it. It’s no secret that I spent a large part of 2018 feeling worthless. I was depressed and stressed, but I endured. The fact is I moved to Berlin alone, for a job, a job that ultimately wasn’t the right fit, I lost my nan while I was here and things fell apart with the guy I was first dating prior in Berlin. All of these things were overwhelming, causing a numbness, functioning but not really feeling. 

Early on in this state of mine, I met a man... he was charming, persistent and caring. Slowly but surely I warmed to him, he helped me heal in so many ways and by the time I knew it my feelings were super strong for him. 

Now said individual used to live in Istanbul, in which he visited regularly. On one visit while we were dating, he hooked up with his ex and discovered he still had feelings for him... Now it would of been so much easier if it was a clean break of ‘I’m so sorry but I still love my ex and have deep feelings for him, deeper than I have in this and for you’ harsh lines yet at the least it means I hurt, heal and move on. 

But no he lied, hid things and pretended all was ok. For me I knew something was up as I was trying to get past a wall I couldn’t break, I thought his emotional coldness meant we couldn’t connect but I was wrong. OneSunday night in a club his friend decided to tell me what was up and going on, I still don’t know if this was to protect me or because they hate me, none the less it opened the gates to a discussion that needed to be had. 

It turned out he and his ex, who’s from America and at the end of this summer had to return to resume his life there, had planned a summer of love and to make the most of the time being near one another by meeting and going to concerts in Berlin and Istanbul. 

Now all of this would of been fine, if I was told from the get go where I stood. We were not exclusive and nothing was said in  that order. But he was the only one I was dating, so I guess I felt like a fool to have focused this much energy on one person and for this to be happening.Either way I was left feeling like 2nd best, not good enough, an option to fallback on because the first option isn’t available. In truth, it hurt to know that if said ex lived in Europe they would be together. 

My friends told me I deserved more and  gave me hard honest truths about the situation, but I was lost, confused and upset, I couldn’t  listen and wouldn’t hear rational advice as my feelings overwhelmed my thoughts. I was lost to my feelings, the sadness was a sickness and he was the cure and cause to my problems. I felt like an idiot but I couldn’t  fight it.  I knew that I needed. to push past and through, I knew I need to become whole and heal but it was hard to move on when I he was paralyzed by another and I paralyzed by him. 

That was written prior to certain events, events that led to me saying you know what fuck this. I was uncertain and unsure when I wrote that but I knew I was at the end of my tether. 

The events were we spent a weekend hanging out, it was cute and I got to know his friends better, went to a lake, Thai park and an open air cinema, he was being super nice and somehow and someway I could tell a storm was coming. 

The storm was him saying he’s going to festival for the weekend and won’t be contactable as he’ll not have reception. I thought cool ok... but that wasn’t the only thing. The same day I went to a club with my friends, a club he said he’d never go to in the summer but nonetheless he turned up with the guy in question. Instead of arguing, being angry or upset I just walked off and decided to enjoy my night and lose myself to the music. I didn’t hear from him until four days later when he decided to message some sad bullshit that didn’t own any of his mistakes as I guess I’ve learned by now he’s never one in the wrong said example below. 

On the weekend we hanged he told me point blank to control my emotions, instead of trying to understand them and soothe me. Especially  when it’s in relation to him fucking others and a past, a past that he’s made present when an ex is still looming large.... his words stung but that sting woke me up to the reality of him. 

I hanged on prior as I felt there still could be hope, I wanted to know who exactly he was beyond the facade of this kind, caring, childlike, innocent man. Prior to this I didn’t see the , self serving, lying, manipulative individual that I see now, I didn’t know how cruel and cold he could be or how he’d become this. I needed those moments we spent to understand who I was and what was happening, I didn’t like the way he made me feel - sad, angry, bitter, jealous, unworthy. My reaction to him/ his energy, our togetherness was so different from that of anyone else I’ve been with, ever. I guess when you’re not getting enough from someone who says one thing and does another you become irrational, erratic and emotional. 

In any case I’m not bitter just bored of feeling like shit and emotionally abusing myself to be in a situation that isn’t serving me in full. I still care for and about him, and I’m so thankful I met him as I wouldn’t be in Berlin still. I appreciate the  times we spent together and I’m also grateful for the lessons he taught me. I’m now more of an emotional being who sees no shame in being open and honest. So goodbye to all that wreck and baggage and hello to the new now. 

The silent rage.

What do you do when everywhere you go feels like a cage? 

It’s a feeling I’ve carried with me for a long time now, an anger that’s simmered slowly and a rage that’s been built upon largely by a frustration that takes its toll on me, bit by bit. 

How can I dance, when there are screams louder than music? 

Quite frankly I’m tired of feeling oppressed being a minority in straight places, being a minority in gay places, being a minority at cultural events, being a minority in Berlin. It’s boring to talk about race and sexuality, yes I know there’s those more privileged than I who think that racism is over and equality has been won! There’s even those who are the same sexuality or race as me but don’t want to disturb the peace and are content and complacent with their place in the world. Then there are people like me who want more then what they’ve been given, thankful for what we’ve inherited but also aware that we need to push on so others can inherit a world better than our current one. 

Why can’t I sleep? is because I’m too conscious, too woke? 

I for one am tired and bored, it’s driving me crazy that I have to feel this way and with each passing year, the rage builds and is now a monster. That monster doesn’t want violence it wants platforms, it wants to change and it wants doors opened and it knows that this can be done by discussions, debates, visibility and protests that pave way for progress. 

Why I fight, is it to further the freedoms inherited from battles I never fought? 

I don’t want the next generation to have to carry this burden around with them, to feel excluded from being a fashion designer or working in culture due to feeling like they won’t fit in. The fight for freedom continues, that is freedom in its many forms. We’ve been defeated but in defeat it allows us to know who we’re fighting and what exactly it’s for. We’ve all got battles to face but it’s the war that needs to be won.