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Thursday, 8 November 2018

Thank you, next.

I’m tired, fully exhausted from putting so much energy & effort into dating but really not getting much back. Since I was small I’ve always wanted big love, I can recall listening to love songs and belting out Christina Milian, Monica, Brandy & Faith Evans songs, feeling the words even though I’d never felt the feeling. 

I’ve been dating since I was 15, that’s 13 years of bullshit, let downs, ultra clingy men, abusive relationships, toxic ones, bland ones, ones where there’s no match or spark, unions rooted in the physical and one in the mental. I’ve had my fair share of flings that burned out but only three boyfriends. One lasted five years, one eleven months and the last one was two and a half years, that started in 2013 & ended in 2015. Since then I’ve been dating but largely and mostly, I’ve been single. 

Admittedly now I’m at this weird stage, where I want something but at the same time I want nothing, I’ve invested so much into men in the past and got little return, and now I feel like is there any point? 

Im now led to believe that we are largely 
all the same - fuck boys. We hurt each other unintentionally and sometimes intentionally for our own selfish gain, we play games as we’re confused yet dont want to be left lonely... 

I’m usually so liberal, open and calm but I feel abused, bored, used, jaded and damaged. So much so that the night feels more of a friendly place, more alive and more interesting. Even if I know so many of those who I encounter will offer fickle, fleeting,fantasy connections ones that I won’t have to chase as they so clearly won’t last, even if in a chemical induced moment it seems like it could be a new beginning but the hard truth is there will probably be no future in sight. 

If I’m honest the dance floor feels safer and allows me to disappear even more so than another mans bed, for me music soothes me sweeter than the lines that fall from the lips of another, and dancing makes me feel alive. Or maybe I’m no longer addicted to the idea of love and simply prefer what’s readily on offer lust. 

I’ve lost the person I used to be. Yet loss isn’t always negative and even in loss you can gain from the pain, knowledge, insight and growth. I grew by losing a job, losing friends and losing lovers, and in the process I gained knowledge that made me sharper, stronger and more resilient. 

In any case I now realize in many ways that a lot of what I was searching for couldn’t really be found in others. Stability I could give to myself by making my work work, by surrounding myself with people that do things instead of moaning about doing things, by leaving a city that was my home but started to feel like a bitter prison. I feel freer now, hanging with friends, family, living in Berlin and appreciating small moments that can become big memories, in the right company at the right time. And now I know myself more than I did back then wanting them. So thank you, next.