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Friday, 20 May 2016

The Art of being lonely

Feeling lonely doesn't mean I'm alone in fact I'm surrounded by people daily from work to the commute to dancing in clubs on the weekend. The one thing I'd say all have in common is that I'm viewing lives from a distance, seeing the same faces daily, noticing yet hardly mentioning changes from the strangers on the train that aren't so strange, standing at the same spot, at the same time and seated in the same places, or colleagues who laugh, talk and smile but really never  break through the polite office pleasantries to clubbing, a quick chat in the smoking area or fumble on the dance floor that leads nowhere, new faces that repeat almost automatic robotic responses.

My friends are my friends and I feel our history keeps us together but we all seem to be moving either abroad or in different directions. The frustration of being drained and constantly feeling like a failure or that you're being failed is hard in a city that doesn't cherish youth or the poor. I get the anger and resentment but to wallow doesn't solve anything, I've learned that if you want something to fight and to keep losing is better than giving up and in and leading a life that's a half life. 

I've always danced to the beat of my own drum but when you're bored of clubbing, tired from work daily and trying to remain excited and optimistic about the endless possibilities life can bring when you're young in a capital city that is London, for all its sins there are still ladders waiting to be climbed but
when the majority around you are defeated, zoned out and moaning, you either beat them or join. 

The art of being alone is a hard one to grasp but when you finally find the freedom to do so I believe you can never feel freer, acting upon an act instead of waiting for others responses or making plans that you thought were solid that suddenly become unstuck. When you realise that your life is your life to live and not all can accompany or be a passenger on the ride,  you'll find peace.

 Bored why not book Paris? Stay in a hostel, go on tinder, join couch surfing... I know how flakey these services are but if you don't bite the bullet then you could end up waiting in the wings forever. I know somewhere there's someone who feels as bored and isolated maybe in countries I'll never visit speaking in languages I'll never speak yet someone who will take the time to understand my mind. Knowing there's others and that I'm not an island makes me feel a twinge of excitement for the future, MY future. 

Saturday, 14 May 2016

Quarter life crisis?

O to be young, a silent sigh at 26, it's not that I'm old or feel ancient I just know the glow has dimmed. I'm not talking about unlined and unblemished faces, I'm talking about my outlook that once considered every option a possibility and every door open. 

With age and experience comes bitterness in a sense that for someone of my class and income, I won't be able to glide from plane to plane after experiencing multiple adventures on soil distance from where my base that I'm based mostly is.

I try to remain enthusiastic and have a positive outlook on life despite being a melancholic individual that's always existed with a certain sadness. I constantly have to ask why should I be tinged with sadness when I live in a city that for all its sins allows people to climb up career ladders. 

I'm learning to place that fiery passion that exists within and I wish to receive from all things into areas that deserve it, I'm trying to understand that not everything and everyone can be good and not every event or day can have moments that will turn into memories as memories exist as they differ from the routine and repetition of existence. 

I'll admit I spend too much time tapping, clicking, swiping, scrolling and watching others live their lives but hey if it helps turn off and I get some kind of enjoyment from it why should I care?